"roll up! roll up!"

Well, it’s that time of year again. The streets are filling up with first-time parents out of school for summer break, the weather’s beginning to make you sweat like a paedophile at Disneyland, and, to place a great big turd-coloured cherry on the cake, Big Brother is getting ready to grace our screens once more.

Channel 4 producers have promised that this series will prove the ‘most diverse and cosmopolitan ever’ and will include contestants from ‘the four corners of the world’. So, a bunch of freaks then. Brilliant.

Still, The Apprentice is coming to an end and I do need something to laugh at. So I feel that this season I shall succumb to the secretly inherent compulsion we all have to gawp at people lower on the social-scale than ourselves. And in light of this, I’d like to put forward my suggestions for members of the Big Brother house this year:

Billy Felch: a cheeky chirpy chappy, he always wears zany hats, continually says what’s on his mind no matter how outrageous it is, and has no arms.

Lefreak C’estchic: utterly 'mad' and outrageously gay, Lefreak loves gaymen, being gay and everything about gay culture. He makes no secret of his own particular proclivities and hopes to be responsible for the first ever Cleveland steamer delivered live on Channel 4.

Twig: Twig doesn’t believe in surnames. Nor does he believe in western imperialism, neo-conservative capitalism or washing his balls.

Susan Boyle: not THE Susan Boyle, but a woman so obsessed with Susan Boyle that she's legally changed her name to emulate her idol. The twenty six year-old now also wears frumpy dresses, eats battered kebabs and swears like a sailor.

George Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall de Mellier: ‘posh boy’ George comes from a very distinguished family, who have owned most of Derbyshire since the time of the Restoration. He is characterised by his dry wit, clipped accent and tendency to say that the Holocaust is a global Jewish conspiracy and never happened.

Achmed Smith: 'crazy old Achmed' is always getting himself into scrapes. Whether it be locking himself outside the house without any clothes on or being arrested for plotting to blow up a tube train, Achmed is sure to be the centre of some sort of shenanigans.

Sheryl Pinstripe: gorgeous poll-dancer Sheryl has a fun bubbly personality, a body to die for, all topped off with the world’s most perfect smile. She also has a cock.

Robert Éclair: a born-again Christian and father of twelve, Robert is the embodiment of religious morality, tradition and goodwill. He plays the church organ every Sunday, coaches the church football team and regularly shags his pet goat, Gertrude. He also fucks cows.

Sarah Tall: a midget, but she's called Sarah Tall. Big Brother viewers will NEVER get tired of this. She will definitely win.

Jeffrey Higgins: a sales manager from East Sussex, Jeffrey enjoys discussing current events with his friends, plays rugby for his local village team, and spends his weekends with his wife and two young children. Ladbrokes have given him a 2:1 chance of walking out of the house on the second day.