Today the government announced that it would be producing a series of public service broadcasts designed to tutor people who have yet to work out the intricacies of using a supermarket self-service checkout.A recent study from Coswick Polytechnic has shown that over 90% of UK consumers still have problems with the complex process of scanning their product’s barcode over the infrared beam before placing the items into the adjacent carrier bag.
Head of Moronic Studies at the poly, Prof. Fred de Mer, said that, whilst they were aware of the existence of people sufficiently stupid enough to have difficulties working this simplest of devices, they were ‘shocked to discover the true number of complete and utter fuckwits in this country today’.
‘Our survey utilised twenty members of the public to accurately represent a cross-section of British society. These included nine chavs, four teenage mothers, five bent MPs and a couple of racists. And only two of the chavs managed to scan the eight items in properly and in under twenty minutes'.
‘Mind you, when it came to paying for the items, they both legged it out the door’.
In a statement issued by Downing Street, it was revealed that the public service broadcasts are to be made by the same production company that make the popular CBeebies show Nina and the Neurons, in order to effectively appeal to their target audience's mental capacity.
The broadcasts are also scheduled to be screened during the ad-breaks of shows such as Britain’s Got Talent, I’m a Celebrity… and Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
Experts say that the broadcasts should reduce both queue lengths and the blood-pressure of people who can use the machines, who are forever stuck behind those that can’t.
One such competent individual was quoted as saying ‘For fuck’s sake! Hurry the fuck up, you cunt! How fucking difficult is it to scan something and put it in a bag! My fucking nine year-old could do this faster! What the fuck have you got in your head, shit-for-brains!’
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