"step right up!"

9 pm. Channel 4. Time for the year’s biggest freak-show to begin. Here we go.

First in, it’s the 'poshy'. He’s called Freddie. He lives in a stately home. He’s an entrepreneur. And he’s a bell-end.

Well, so far so good. That certainly ticks all the stereotype boxes. And, surprise surprise, he’s being booed by the crowd. Hardly a shock really when you take into account the fact that most of them live in the estate down the road.

Next in, it’s the working-class bull dike. Brilliant.

This is a perfect simulacrum of the show: put people with absolutely nothing in common together in close proximity for an extended period of time.

Shake. Mock. And repeat.

This would indeed be an admirable pursuit if it were done with the aim of intergrating people from different social stratums.

But it’s not. It’s done with the ambition of seeing the limit of human tolerance. Or, to be more specific, intolerance.

And if they induce a housemate to have a nervous breakdown, then all the better for the ratings.

Needless to say, Freddie and 'Punky von Deep-Pockets' are struggling to make conversation, so in goes another staple of any Big Brother: 'Blondy McHuge-Tits'.

She’s a model (i.e. she gets snapped with her top off), and she’s got the kind of figure/personality ratio that ensures her future career after the show: Nuts, Loaded, FHM, sex video, obscurity, I'm A Celebrity...

You almost feel sorry for her.

Almost.

Well, the unpopular (and surely only) 'posh bloke' thinks he’s in there with the totty, so let’s put the dampers on him again by following her entrance with her male equivalent.

Kris spells his name with a K. Obviously.

Why not with C? Who knows? Plenty of good words begin with C etc.

Anyway, despite the fact that he fancies himself, he actually seems the most normal one in there so far, so can't have too much of a go. Plus, in the introduction video they played, he did do a David Brent impersonation, and that’s…

'Man-totty' is followed in by 'Slightly-racial totty'. She’s sort-of Irish and apparently a bit of a bible-basher. Although her first word upon entering the house is ‘fuck’. Which is interesting.

She’s incredibly pretty and doesn’t come off too bad in the video, but as soon as she steps out of the car she’s greeted with a tidal-wave of boos from the crowd.

Now, I know the sort of people who are going to queue for hours to hold up signs such as ‘Wiggly Butt’ and ‘RAF Deptford’ outside a reality-television studio aren’t particularly representative of Britain as a whole (or at least I hope not), but what clearer demonstration do you need for the rise of the far right in this country? Presumably an increase in people voting for them in local/European elections...

Then it’s time for the first of, what I assume will be, a number of people calling themselves ‘students’ but actually don’t look like they could not even spell ‘book’, let alone open one.

This spindly gobshite tells us that his name is Cairon, and he is apparently British, regardless of the fact that he sounds like an extra in Pearl Harbour.

Unfortunately, it’s this sort of watery twat that instils the public opinion of students as time-wasting, MTV-watching, free-loading gits, due to the fact that they look like they've spent their entire student loan on trainers and trendy slang.

It’s at this point in the broadcast that I realised that a posh person, when surrounded by a bunch of ‘normal people’, just comes across as gay.

Freddie sidles up to Cairon and informs him that he’s not to worry because ‘he’s rubbish at remembering names as well’. Perfectly amicable and socially-conscious phrase, you might say. But Freddie, in this setting, sounds like Mr. Humphries with a bad cold, coming on to a underage bellboy. Bizarre.

Speaking of bizarre, the next contestant is bordering on being institutionalised. We are told that she’s called Angel. She’s Russian. She’s a professional boxer. And is 35 years-old.

Okay, so born in 1974, and the wall came down in 1989, so…15 years old? That’s old enough to have secured some Soviet-sponsored steroid injections, surely?

She’s certainly looks deranged enough during her intro video. And this initial insanity is further substantiated when she exits her car looking like a cross between Liza Minnelli in Cabaret and a breeze block.

She, too, is treated ill by the crowd. Although it's predominantly harmless, as she doesn’t understand the cries of ‘Get off!’ generated by the mob, because she’s foreign. Bless.

Still, at least the dyke’s got come company.

Then it’s Scottish totty, who the Channel 4 producers are desperately trying to portray as a ‘bitch’ , so as to distance herself from the other two identical birds in there so far, even though she’s EXACTLY the same but has bigger tits than the Christian and smaller than the future porn star. Which I suppose is how it should be really.

Some bloke who has chubby sideburns is up next, who we are led to believe, again thanks to the classic editing skills of Zeppotron, thinks he looks like Wolverine. He likes comic-books and, judging by his appearance, burgers. I like him.

He is quickly proceeded by the show's token Muslim for this series, who claims to want to be on Big Brother in order to ‘dispel the view of Muslims in Britain today’.

However, within thirty seconds of being in the house, the Essex-girl trio unanimously decide that 'Benazir’ is too complicated to say, so they're going to call her ‘Benny’.

Looks like she’s got a long way to go.

Next, it’s a midget…well…yes…quite…see previous blog for comments on that one.

Then a Hispanic bi-sexual who, like most people who claim to be bi-sexual, is just a big gay.

Then a massive gay.

[Note to producers: space the gays out please. If I wanted to be inundated with campness on primetime television, I’d watch the news.]

Then it’s supposedly another ‘bitch’, who actually just seems to be a relatively intelligent woman that prefers to cut through all the bullshit.

Why she’s entered herself in this competiton, fuck knows!

But she’s a single mum, twice divorced and relatively safe, so we can’t be too hard on her, can we?...Oh, apparently we can. Well, at least it’s not just the ethnic contestants getting a pasting from the crowd.

Then it's another fuckwit student.

He's a bit geeky and will, presumably, turn out to lose his virginity on the show.

And last, but not least…(please be an amputee, please be an amputee)…it’s...an Iranian Russell Brand.

Well I wasn’t expecting that.

Although the boo’s he’s getting, I was.

So, that’s it.

Another load of freaks have been delivered onto our tellies to entertain us through the those shallow summer days.

And what have we learned?

Britain is:

a) full of freaks
b) disproportionately racist
c) ultimately doomed

Right, I’m off to bed.