Jane Mandelson took the What perfume are you? quiz and the result is: Joop! Femme.
You’re an over-priced combination of alcohol and water that the manufacturer claims has ‘a spicy fragrance which bursts forth with lemon and has a lasting impression of patchouli oakmoss and vetiver’. Well done!
Flo Rider took the What car battery are you? quiz and the result is: Type 063 Varta Dynamic 12V 44Ah.
You’re a specific type of rechargeable device that supplies electricity to an automobile. You have a four year guarantee and are about the size of a large shoe box. Awesome!
Fred Rimmer took the What STD are you? quiz and the result is: Gonorrhea.
More often that not, you cause a yellowish discharge from the penis, resulting in frequent and painful uirination. If untreated you spread throughout the body, affecting joints and heart valves. Right on!
Alison Redbeard took the What BNP voter are you? quiz and the result is: Embittered Thicko.
You’re not very bright and have just lost your job to a beautiful Eastern-European girl who agreed to work for less money than you. You’re almost certainly poor, ugly and from the North. And, seeing as you don’t have a job anymore, you made it down to the polling booths the other day. You go girl!
Rupert Smeg-Badger took the What year of Josef Fritzl’s daughter’s captivity are you? quiz and the result is The 17th.
After the previous sixteen years of physical assault and sexual abuse at the hands of your father, you have no sense of humanity left and have given up on life in general. This year will also see you give birth to your son Stefan, who’s also your brother. Crazy! Hold on, just seven more years to go!
Jedediah Kane took the What made-up word are you? quiz and the result is Flumpretch.
You’re a real wristyjip, who knows how to have a good furkelsplat. Some people might find you a bit planetorb, but that’s just ‘spunkgrut. Bartelsplonk!
Sarah Engass took the What inconvenient time to need a shit are you? quiz and the result is: In the middle of seeing a movie at the cinema.
You’re REALLY inconvenient, because you don’t want to squeeze past all the other people in the aisle AND you don’t want to miss any of the film. Nightmare!
Timothy Simian took the What 20th century famine are you? quiz and the result is: The Great Chinese Famine.
You managed to take the lives of 20 million people during the rapid industrialisation of 1959-61. But you also increased iron production by 45%, so swings and roundabouts. Good times!
Jimmy Luffman took the What type of yellow are you? quiz and the result is: The kind of muddy one they use on the Veuve Clicquot label.
You’re not quite Academy Award gold, and you’re not quite daffodil yellow. You’re kind of in between. Fucking kick ass!
Joe Public took the What else should I be doing with my time? quiz and the result is Anything else!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
"step right up!"
9 pm. Channel 4. Time for the year’s biggest freak-show to begin. Here we go.
First in, it’s the 'poshy'. He’s called Freddie. He lives in a stately home. He’s an entrepreneur. And he’s a bell-end.
Well, so far so good. That certainly ticks all the stereotype boxes. And, surprise surprise, he’s being booed by the crowd. Hardly a shock really when you take into account the fact that most of them live in the estate down the road.
Next in, it’s the working-class bull dike. Brilliant.
This is a perfect simulacrum of the show: put people with absolutely nothing in common together in close proximity for an extended period of time.
Shake. Mock. And repeat.
This would indeed be an admirable pursuit if it were done with the aim of intergrating people from different social stratums.
But it’s not. It’s done with the ambition of seeing the limit of human tolerance. Or, to be more specific, intolerance.
And if they induce a housemate to have a nervous breakdown, then all the better for the ratings.
Needless to say, Freddie and 'Punky von Deep-Pockets' are struggling to make conversation, so in goes another staple of any Big Brother: 'Blondy McHuge-Tits'.
She’s a model (i.e. she gets snapped with her top off), and she’s got the kind of figure/personality ratio that ensures her future career after the show: Nuts, Loaded, FHM, sex video, obscurity, I'm A Celebrity...
You almost feel sorry for her.
Almost.
Well, the unpopular (and surely only) 'posh bloke' thinks he’s in there with the totty, so let’s put the dampers on him again by following her entrance with her male equivalent.
Kris spells his name with a K. Obviously.
Why not with C? Who knows? Plenty of good words begin with C etc.
Anyway, despite the fact that he fancies himself, he actually seems the most normal one in there so far, so can't have too much of a go. Plus, in the introduction video they played, he did do a David Brent impersonation, and that’s…
'Man-totty' is followed in by 'Slightly-racial totty'. She’s sort-of Irish and apparently a bit of a bible-basher. Although her first word upon entering the house is ‘fuck’. Which is interesting.
She’s incredibly pretty and doesn’t come off too bad in the video, but as soon as she steps out of the car she’s greeted with a tidal-wave of boos from the crowd.
Now, I know the sort of people who are going to queue for hours to hold up signs such as ‘Wiggly Butt’ and ‘RAF Deptford’ outside a reality-television studio aren’t particularly representative of Britain as a whole (or at least I hope not), but what clearer demonstration do you need for the rise of the far right in this country? Presumably an increase in people voting for them in local/European elections...
Then it’s time for the first of, what I assume will be, a number of people calling themselves ‘students’ but actually don’t look like they could not even spell ‘book’, let alone open one.
This spindly gobshite tells us that his name is Cairon, and he is apparently British, regardless of the fact that he sounds like an extra in Pearl Harbour.
Unfortunately, it’s this sort of watery twat that instils the public opinion of students as time-wasting, MTV-watching, free-loading gits, due to the fact that they look like they've spent their entire student loan on trainers and trendy slang.
It’s at this point in the broadcast that I realised that a posh person, when surrounded by a bunch of ‘normal people’, just comes across as gay.
Freddie sidles up to Cairon and informs him that he’s not to worry because ‘he’s rubbish at remembering names as well’. Perfectly amicable and socially-conscious phrase, you might say. But Freddie, in this setting, sounds like Mr. Humphries with a bad cold, coming on to a underage bellboy. Bizarre.
Speaking of bizarre, the next contestant is bordering on being institutionalised. We are told that she’s called Angel. She’s Russian. She’s a professional boxer. And is 35 years-old.
Okay, so born in 1974, and the wall came down in 1989, so…15 years old? That’s old enough to have secured some Soviet-sponsored steroid injections, surely?
She’s certainly looks deranged enough during her intro video. And this initial insanity is further substantiated when she exits her car looking like a cross between Liza Minnelli in Cabaret and a breeze block.
She, too, is treated ill by the crowd. Although it's predominantly harmless, as she doesn’t understand the cries of ‘Get off!’ generated by the mob, because she’s foreign. Bless.
Still, at least the dyke’s got come company.
Then it’s Scottish totty, who the Channel 4 producers are desperately trying to portray as a ‘bitch’ , so as to distance herself from the other two identical birds in there so far, even though she’s EXACTLY the same but has bigger tits than the Christian and smaller than the future porn star. Which I suppose is how it should be really.
Some bloke who has chubby sideburns is up next, who we are led to believe, again thanks to the classic editing skills of Zeppotron, thinks he looks like Wolverine. He likes comic-books and, judging by his appearance, burgers. I like him.
He is quickly proceeded by the show's token Muslim for this series, who claims to want to be on Big Brother in order to ‘dispel the view of Muslims in Britain today’.
However, within thirty seconds of being in the house, the Essex-girl trio unanimously decide that 'Benazir’ is too complicated to say, so they're going to call her ‘Benny’.
Looks like she’s got a long way to go.
Next, it’s a midget…well…yes…quite…see previous blog for comments on that one.
Then a Hispanic bi-sexual who, like most people who claim to be bi-sexual, is just a big gay.
Then a massive gay.
[Note to producers: space the gays out please. If I wanted to be inundated with campness on primetime television, I’d watch the news.]
Then it’s supposedly another ‘bitch’, who actually just seems to be a relatively intelligent woman that prefers to cut through all the bullshit.
Why she’s entered herself in this competiton, fuck knows!
But she’s a single mum, twice divorced and relatively safe, so we can’t be too hard on her, can we?...Oh, apparently we can. Well, at least it’s not just the ethnic contestants getting a pasting from the crowd.
Then it's another fuckwit student.
He's a bit geeky and will, presumably, turn out to lose his virginity on the show.
And last, but not least…(please be an amputee, please be an amputee)…it’s...an Iranian Russell Brand.
Well I wasn’t expecting that.
Although the boo’s he’s getting, I was.
So, that’s it.
Another load of freaks have been delivered onto our tellies to entertain us through the those shallow summer days.
And what have we learned?
Britain is:
a) full of freaks
b) disproportionately racist
c) ultimately doomed
Right, I’m off to bed.
First in, it’s the 'poshy'. He’s called Freddie. He lives in a stately home. He’s an entrepreneur. And he’s a bell-end.
Well, so far so good. That certainly ticks all the stereotype boxes. And, surprise surprise, he’s being booed by the crowd. Hardly a shock really when you take into account the fact that most of them live in the estate down the road.
Next in, it’s the working-class bull dike. Brilliant.
This is a perfect simulacrum of the show: put people with absolutely nothing in common together in close proximity for an extended period of time.
Shake. Mock. And repeat.
This would indeed be an admirable pursuit if it were done with the aim of intergrating people from different social stratums.
But it’s not. It’s done with the ambition of seeing the limit of human tolerance. Or, to be more specific, intolerance.
And if they induce a housemate to have a nervous breakdown, then all the better for the ratings.
Needless to say, Freddie and 'Punky von Deep-Pockets' are struggling to make conversation, so in goes another staple of any Big Brother: 'Blondy McHuge-Tits'.
She’s a model (i.e. she gets snapped with her top off), and she’s got the kind of figure/personality ratio that ensures her future career after the show: Nuts, Loaded, FHM, sex video, obscurity, I'm A Celebrity...
You almost feel sorry for her.
Almost.
Well, the unpopular (and surely only) 'posh bloke' thinks he’s in there with the totty, so let’s put the dampers on him again by following her entrance with her male equivalent.
Kris spells his name with a K. Obviously.
Why not with C? Who knows? Plenty of good words begin with C etc.
Anyway, despite the fact that he fancies himself, he actually seems the most normal one in there so far, so can't have too much of a go. Plus, in the introduction video they played, he did do a David Brent impersonation, and that’s…
'Man-totty' is followed in by 'Slightly-racial totty'. She’s sort-of Irish and apparently a bit of a bible-basher. Although her first word upon entering the house is ‘fuck’. Which is interesting.
She’s incredibly pretty and doesn’t come off too bad in the video, but as soon as she steps out of the car she’s greeted with a tidal-wave of boos from the crowd.
Now, I know the sort of people who are going to queue for hours to hold up signs such as ‘Wiggly Butt’ and ‘RAF Deptford’ outside a reality-television studio aren’t particularly representative of Britain as a whole (or at least I hope not), but what clearer demonstration do you need for the rise of the far right in this country? Presumably an increase in people voting for them in local/European elections...
Then it’s time for the first of, what I assume will be, a number of people calling themselves ‘students’ but actually don’t look like they could not even spell ‘book’, let alone open one.
This spindly gobshite tells us that his name is Cairon, and he is apparently British, regardless of the fact that he sounds like an extra in Pearl Harbour.
Unfortunately, it’s this sort of watery twat that instils the public opinion of students as time-wasting, MTV-watching, free-loading gits, due to the fact that they look like they've spent their entire student loan on trainers and trendy slang.
It’s at this point in the broadcast that I realised that a posh person, when surrounded by a bunch of ‘normal people’, just comes across as gay.
Freddie sidles up to Cairon and informs him that he’s not to worry because ‘he’s rubbish at remembering names as well’. Perfectly amicable and socially-conscious phrase, you might say. But Freddie, in this setting, sounds like Mr. Humphries with a bad cold, coming on to a underage bellboy. Bizarre.
Speaking of bizarre, the next contestant is bordering on being institutionalised. We are told that she’s called Angel. She’s Russian. She’s a professional boxer. And is 35 years-old.
Okay, so born in 1974, and the wall came down in 1989, so…15 years old? That’s old enough to have secured some Soviet-sponsored steroid injections, surely?
She’s certainly looks deranged enough during her intro video. And this initial insanity is further substantiated when she exits her car looking like a cross between Liza Minnelli in Cabaret and a breeze block.
She, too, is treated ill by the crowd. Although it's predominantly harmless, as she doesn’t understand the cries of ‘Get off!’ generated by the mob, because she’s foreign. Bless.
Still, at least the dyke’s got come company.
Then it’s Scottish totty, who the Channel 4 producers are desperately trying to portray as a ‘bitch’ , so as to distance herself from the other two identical birds in there so far, even though she’s EXACTLY the same but has bigger tits than the Christian and smaller than the future porn star. Which I suppose is how it should be really.
Some bloke who has chubby sideburns is up next, who we are led to believe, again thanks to the classic editing skills of Zeppotron, thinks he looks like Wolverine. He likes comic-books and, judging by his appearance, burgers. I like him.
He is quickly proceeded by the show's token Muslim for this series, who claims to want to be on Big Brother in order to ‘dispel the view of Muslims in Britain today’.
However, within thirty seconds of being in the house, the Essex-girl trio unanimously decide that 'Benazir’ is too complicated to say, so they're going to call her ‘Benny’.
Looks like she’s got a long way to go.
Next, it’s a midget…well…yes…quite…see previous blog for comments on that one.
Then a Hispanic bi-sexual who, like most people who claim to be bi-sexual, is just a big gay.
Then a massive gay.
[Note to producers: space the gays out please. If I wanted to be inundated with campness on primetime television, I’d watch the news.]
Then it’s supposedly another ‘bitch’, who actually just seems to be a relatively intelligent woman that prefers to cut through all the bullshit.
Why she’s entered herself in this competiton, fuck knows!
But she’s a single mum, twice divorced and relatively safe, so we can’t be too hard on her, can we?...Oh, apparently we can. Well, at least it’s not just the ethnic contestants getting a pasting from the crowd.
Then it's another fuckwit student.
He's a bit geeky and will, presumably, turn out to lose his virginity on the show.
And last, but not least…(please be an amputee, please be an amputee)…it’s...an Iranian Russell Brand.
Well I wasn’t expecting that.
Although the boo’s he’s getting, I was.
So, that’s it.
Another load of freaks have been delivered onto our tellies to entertain us through the those shallow summer days.
And what have we learned?
Britain is:
a) full of freaks
b) disproportionately racist
c) ultimately doomed
Right, I’m off to bed.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
"roll up! roll up!"
Well, it’s that time of year again. The streets are filling up with first-time parents out of school for summer break, the weather’s beginning to make you sweat like a paedophile at Disneyland, and, to place a great big turd-coloured cherry on the cake, Big Brother is getting ready to grace our screens once more.
Channel 4 producers have promised that this series will prove the ‘most diverse and cosmopolitan ever’ and will include contestants from ‘the four corners of the world’. So, a bunch of freaks then. Brilliant.
Still, The Apprentice is coming to an end and I do need something to laugh at. So I feel that this season I shall succumb to the secretly inherent compulsion we all have to gawp at people lower on the social-scale than ourselves. And in light of this, I’d like to put forward my suggestions for members of the Big Brother house this year:
Billy Felch: a cheeky chirpy chappy, he always wears zany hats, continually says what’s on his mind no matter how outrageous it is, and has no arms.
Lefreak C’estchic: utterly 'mad' and outrageously gay, Lefreak loves gaymen, being gay and everything about gay culture. He makes no secret of his own particular proclivities and hopes to be responsible for the first ever Cleveland steamer delivered live on Channel 4.
Twig: Twig doesn’t believe in surnames. Nor does he believe in western imperialism, neo-conservative capitalism or washing his balls.
Susan Boyle: not THE Susan Boyle, but a woman so obsessed with Susan Boyle that she's legally changed her name to emulate her idol. The twenty six year-old now also wears frumpy dresses, eats battered kebabs and swears like a sailor.
George Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall de Mellier: ‘posh boy’ George comes from a very distinguished family, who have owned most of Derbyshire since the time of the Restoration. He is characterised by his dry wit, clipped accent and tendency to say that the Holocaust is a global Jewish conspiracy and never happened.
Achmed Smith: 'crazy old Achmed' is always getting himself into scrapes. Whether it be locking himself outside the house without any clothes on or being arrested for plotting to blow up a tube train, Achmed is sure to be the centre of some sort of shenanigans.
Sheryl Pinstripe: gorgeous poll-dancer Sheryl has a fun bubbly personality, a body to die for, all topped off with the world’s most perfect smile. She also has a cock.
Robert Éclair: a born-again Christian and father of twelve, Robert is the embodiment of religious morality, tradition and goodwill. He plays the church organ every Sunday, coaches the church football team and regularly shags his pet goat, Gertrude. He also fucks cows.
Sarah Tall: a midget, but she's called Sarah Tall. Big Brother viewers will NEVER get tired of this. She will definitely win.
Jeffrey Higgins: a sales manager from East Sussex, Jeffrey enjoys discussing current events with his friends, plays rugby for his local village team, and spends his weekends with his wife and two young children. Ladbrokes have given him a 2:1 chance of walking out of the house on the second day.
Channel 4 producers have promised that this series will prove the ‘most diverse and cosmopolitan ever’ and will include contestants from ‘the four corners of the world’. So, a bunch of freaks then. Brilliant.
Still, The Apprentice is coming to an end and I do need something to laugh at. So I feel that this season I shall succumb to the secretly inherent compulsion we all have to gawp at people lower on the social-scale than ourselves. And in light of this, I’d like to put forward my suggestions for members of the Big Brother house this year:
Billy Felch: a cheeky chirpy chappy, he always wears zany hats, continually says what’s on his mind no matter how outrageous it is, and has no arms.
Lefreak C’estchic: utterly 'mad' and outrageously gay, Lefreak loves gaymen, being gay and everything about gay culture. He makes no secret of his own particular proclivities and hopes to be responsible for the first ever Cleveland steamer delivered live on Channel 4.
Twig: Twig doesn’t believe in surnames. Nor does he believe in western imperialism, neo-conservative capitalism or washing his balls.
Susan Boyle: not THE Susan Boyle, but a woman so obsessed with Susan Boyle that she's legally changed her name to emulate her idol. The twenty six year-old now also wears frumpy dresses, eats battered kebabs and swears like a sailor.
George Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall de Mellier: ‘posh boy’ George comes from a very distinguished family, who have owned most of Derbyshire since the time of the Restoration. He is characterised by his dry wit, clipped accent and tendency to say that the Holocaust is a global Jewish conspiracy and never happened.
Achmed Smith: 'crazy old Achmed' is always getting himself into scrapes. Whether it be locking himself outside the house without any clothes on or being arrested for plotting to blow up a tube train, Achmed is sure to be the centre of some sort of shenanigans.
Sheryl Pinstripe: gorgeous poll-dancer Sheryl has a fun bubbly personality, a body to die for, all topped off with the world’s most perfect smile. She also has a cock.
Robert Éclair: a born-again Christian and father of twelve, Robert is the embodiment of religious morality, tradition and goodwill. He plays the church organ every Sunday, coaches the church football team and regularly shags his pet goat, Gertrude. He also fucks cows.
Sarah Tall: a midget, but she's called Sarah Tall. Big Brother viewers will NEVER get tired of this. She will definitely win.
Jeffrey Higgins: a sales manager from East Sussex, Jeffrey enjoys discussing current events with his friends, plays rugby for his local village team, and spends his weekends with his wife and two young children. Ladbrokes have given him a 2:1 chance of walking out of the house on the second day.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
denied and prejudice
American shock jock Michael Savage has today confirmed that he is to continue with legal proceedings against Jackie Smith, after he was included on a list of undesirables banned from entering the UK that she published last month before the Telegraph expenses-shitstorm, when everything was dandy.
Savage has labelled the government decision as ‘crazy’, claiming that the list, which was designed to prevent people who ‘stir up hatred and promote extreme views’ from entering Britain, was ‘probably compiled by a bunch of immigrant benders’ and that he ‘clearly shouldn’t be on it’.
‘How in the world can she allege that my words are zealous and offensive?’ he asked during an interview on BBC Radio 5 Live this morning.
‘Anyway, I understand she’s now out of a job. Dumb bitch was asking for it. God punishes the wicked. Not the Islamic God, you understand. He doesn't exist. And even if he did, he'd probably be committing benefit fraud'.
Savage, who hosts right-wing radio show The Savage Nation, has vehemently defended the views he has expressed during his fifteen years on air. ‘For example’, he said. ‘When I said that homosexuality made me want to puke, I wasn’t referring
to the act itself, but merely the word. I simply can’t stand the letter H. Makes my stomach turn just thinking about it’.
‘And don’t get me stared on M’.
When questioned over his assertion that transsexuals were ‘not normal’, Savage claimed that he was misquoted, and actually said ‘not formal’. ‘They rarely dress in Black Tie, that’s all I was saying’.
‘Similarly, when I said that Muslims could take their religion and shove it up their behinds, I was actually being sarcastic. Duhhhh!’
Savage is confident of his success in the impending defamation proceedings, arguing that ‘any rational-minded individual can tell I should not be denied entry to the UK’.
‘Unless the judge is a fag or a wog. In that case, I’m screwed’.
Savage has labelled the government decision as ‘crazy’, claiming that the list, which was designed to prevent people who ‘stir up hatred and promote extreme views’ from entering Britain, was ‘probably compiled by a bunch of immigrant benders’ and that he ‘clearly shouldn’t be on it’.
‘How in the world can she allege that my words are zealous and offensive?’ he asked during an interview on BBC Radio 5 Live this morning.
‘Anyway, I understand she’s now out of a job. Dumb bitch was asking for it. God punishes the wicked. Not the Islamic God, you understand. He doesn't exist. And even if he did, he'd probably be committing benefit fraud'.
Savage, who hosts right-wing radio show The Savage Nation, has vehemently defended the views he has expressed during his fifteen years on air. ‘For example’, he said. ‘When I said that homosexuality made me want to puke, I wasn’t referring
to the act itself, but merely the word. I simply can’t stand the letter H. Makes my stomach turn just thinking about it’.‘And don’t get me stared on M’.
When questioned over his assertion that transsexuals were ‘not normal’, Savage claimed that he was misquoted, and actually said ‘not formal’. ‘They rarely dress in Black Tie, that’s all I was saying’.
‘Similarly, when I said that Muslims could take their religion and shove it up their behinds, I was actually being sarcastic. Duhhhh!’
Savage is confident of his success in the impending defamation proceedings, arguing that ‘any rational-minded individual can tell I should not be denied entry to the UK’.
‘Unless the judge is a fag or a wog. In that case, I’m screwed’.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
"unexpected moron in bagging area"
Today the government announced that it would be producing a series of public service broadcasts designed to tutor people who have yet to work out the intricacies of using a supermarket self-service checkout.A recent study from Coswick Polytechnic has shown that over 90% of UK consumers still have problems with the complex process of scanning their product’s barcode over the infrared beam before placing the items into the adjacent carrier bag.
Head of Moronic Studies at the poly, Prof. Fred de Mer, said that, whilst they were aware of the existence of people sufficiently stupid enough to have difficulties working this simplest of devices, they were ‘shocked to discover the true number of complete and utter fuckwits in this country today’.
‘Our survey utilised twenty members of the public to accurately represent a cross-section of British society. These included nine chavs, four teenage mothers, five bent MPs and a couple of racists. And only two of the chavs managed to scan the eight items in properly and in under twenty minutes'.
‘Mind you, when it came to paying for the items, they both legged it out the door’.
In a statement issued by Downing Street, it was revealed that the public service broadcasts are to be made by the same production company that make the popular CBeebies show Nina and the Neurons, in order to effectively appeal to their target audience's mental capacity.
The broadcasts are also scheduled to be screened during the ad-breaks of shows such as Britain’s Got Talent, I’m a Celebrity… and Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
Experts say that the broadcasts should reduce both queue lengths and the blood-pressure of people who can use the machines, who are forever stuck behind those that can’t.
One such competent individual was quoted as saying ‘For fuck’s sake! Hurry the fuck up, you cunt! How fucking difficult is it to scan something and put it in a bag! My fucking nine year-old could do this faster! What the fuck have you got in your head, shit-for-brains!’
Monday, June 1, 2009
what a #1 hit-single would be like if it were written by someone with the maturity of a 6 year-old and not a multi award-winning alternative rock band
[to be sung to the tune of 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon]
Yesterday drinking,
drinking all day.
Skulling the lager,
sweet nectar.
Then out for a curry,
I did it again.
Ordered a Balti,
a hot one.
Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
Initial rumble,
run to the loo.
It's touching the cloth,
just made it.
Sting of the first one,
eyes start to sweat.
Feels like I'm dying,
I'm dying.
Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
Making me perspire!
Hot as a fever,
rumbling guts.
Hoop like an oven,
a Hotpoint.
It's nearly over,
thank fuck for that.
Oh no, there's more,
it's coming, it's coming.
Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
Oww Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
Feels like barbed wire!
Oww Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
It's truly dire!
Yesterday drinking,
drinking all day.
Skulling the lager,
sweet nectar.
Then out for a curry,
I did it again.
Ordered a Balti,
a hot one.
Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
Initial rumble,
run to the loo.
It's touching the cloth,
just made it.
Sting of the first one,
eyes start to sweat.
Feels like I'm dying,
I'm dying.
Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
Making me perspire!
Hot as a fever,
rumbling guts.
Hoop like an oven,
a Hotpoint.
It's nearly over,
thank fuck for that.
Oh no, there's more,
it's coming, it's coming.
Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
Oww Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
Feels like barbed wire!
Oww Owwwww, my ring is on fire!
It's truly dire!
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