work quirks 2: armed and fabulous

So, after spending the majority of the morning on facebook whilst pretending to work, it’s then time for lunch (apologies for it being a two week lunch break by the way – I had some serious drinking to do).

I personally look forward to lunchtime with almost the same anticipation as hometime; a chance to finally get out the office. However, some people resign themselves to the total mundanity of their job by having lunch at their desks. Before writing this blog, I typed ‘office ettiquete’ into google and was asked if i meant 'office etiquette'. I did. Eventually I was presented with numerous articles, all offering different rules and regulations on how to conduct oneself in the work place. One tip that popped up on all of them was: if you planned on eating at your desk, keep it simple. Anything more extravagant than a cheese sandwich was roundly considered a bad idea, due to the distracting effect such food can have on your colleagues. This rule, however, is not only rejected by the people working in my office, but flouted to the point of absurdity. Everyday the people I work with tuck in to a medley of ridiculously flamboyant nosh; seafood paella, Goan fish curry, broccoli and stilton chowder served in an old running shoe. It has almost reached the level of competition for the two girls that sit opposite me; ‘I’ll see you’re tofu casserole and raise you some Korean fermented cabbage.’ It’s not that I’m one of those people whose stomach turns upon getting a whiff of this kind of pungent pabulum. It’s just distracting. And it makes you simultaneously hungry for sustenance yourself, and depressed that all you have to look forward to is a crummy old cheese sandwich...? Fuck it! Tomorrow I’m coming in with my fondue set.

Say you are, unlike myself, the sort of person that is prone to telling people what is on their mind. How would you go about telling the person sitting opposite you that perhaps their choice of a lunch time meal wasn’t particularly appropriate for the close proximity conditions of the work place? In the real world, you’d feel at ease in amicably spouting ‘Christ Tony! That stuff stinks! Take it outside will ya!’ But this sort of language doesn’t fly in the office environment. No, in the office it’s formality all the way. From the method of your actions to the clothes you wear, every element of office life is conducted with an air of unending officialdom. Everyone presents themselves appropriately. Everyone treats each other graciously and with respect. People open doors for others and apologise for their interruptions. It’s one of the last true bastions of etiquette left in the country today. And it’s bloody awful!

Idiots that read the Daily Mail are continuously exposed to endless articles about 'Broken Britain' and how what this country needs is a return to the 'traditional' values of constraint and propriety. But a world in which everyone acts like their in one big office may be a world in which verbal profanity would be down, but shotgun-toting mad men would definitely be up. It’s just not natural to treat other humans in this way. We are godless, marauding, killing, shagging, defecating mammals, and being forced to act like we’re in an Enid Blyton novel would create mass despondency and, ultimately, complete and utter population breakdown. Trust me, it’d be Mad Max 2 after a fortnight.

One thing, it seems, that is permissible within the office I work in, is the use of needlessly loud and irritating mobile ring tones. Let’s face it, your ring tone is only amusing to you; no one else cares, and everyone else doesn’t get it. It must be said, the majority of the office (including myself) put their phones on vibrate during work hours. However there are a couple of crazy cats that spurn these attempts at consideration and keep their phones turned up to eleven. They’re wacky, and they want you to know it.

Tubular bells guy: this chap works in the forever-busy legal department and consequently we are treated to the eery tune from The Exorcist at least five times a day. Needless to say, it never gets old.

Nokia salsa guy: some bloke that sits directly behind me has opted for the salsa tune that comes standard with all Nokia phones. Of the almost infinite number of sounds that he can program his phone to make, he has decided that this little ditty sums his character up perfectly. I, for one, have to agree. He is generic, dull and f*cking irritating.

Yoda text message guy: this absolute wanker jumped on the band wagon a couple of years ago (along with just about every other Nuts reader in the country) and downloaded the hilarious text message tone of Yoda saying ‘mmm, message from the dark side you have.’ This joke was funny for about 2 seconds (coincidentally, the same length of time as the tone itself). But this c*nt has kept this gag long past it’s sell buy date, seeming to believe that being post-modern about Star Wars demonstrates some sort of profound intellect. I mean it has only been a couple of decades since people have started doing it; maybe people haven’t cottoned on yet? Tosser!

There is a person in my office that laughs every time that Yoda text message thing goes off, and I really wish that he wouldn’t. He is the sort of bloke that laughs at just about any comment that skims, however slightly, the surface of humour. These people are great sometimes; when you’re feeling kind of down and want a moron that’ll giggle at everything you say, eventually proclaiming that you are 'one funny fucker', thus confirming what you already knew. But the problem with these people is that everyone thinks they’re a comedian around them, and consequently they perpetuate possibly the worst aspect of office life: the unfunny ‘funny guy’.

I’m certain every office has one (the two I’ve worked in so far have). They’re instantly recognisable by their daft grin, zany tie and ability to look like a stupid cock before even opening their mouth. They usually have a gang of cronies that swarm around their desk at periodic intervals in order to get a top up of comedy gold. Occasionally one of the pack will attempt to be ‘funny’ too, but will immediately be beaten down by the group’s leader. They're like hyenas in that way. Though they're not as funny as the ones from The Lion King.

Anyway, this is the guy that, when he gets an idea for a funny email, cc’s everyone in the department in on it so we can all relish his divine wit. You hear a courteous chuckle here, a half-hearted titter there. You yourself force out a single solitary ‘Ha’, just to be polite. Then inevitably 'Mr. Better Laugh So That People Will Like Me' pipes in with his speciality: ‘You’re hilarious mate. You’re wasted here. You should be on the stage!’ Yeah, you should be on the stage. Preferably you'd be sharing it with a guillotine, but definitely on the stage. ‘That bit where his head fell in the basket! Priceless!’ But it’s too late. This guy now thinks he’s the funniest thing since sliced bread and because of the aforementioned formalities of office etiquette he will continue to think this until he lands himself in hospital after trying out that one from chav-gags.com at his local Wetherspoons. ‘What’s the most confusing day of the year for a Chav?...Father’s Day!...I said Fa…’

So these are some of the fun obstacles that one has to deal with during the average afternoon at work. By four o’clock everyone seems to have given up even attempting to look like they’re doing any work (a bit like Friday) and you spend the final hour playing Tetris in the corner of your screen. Towards the end of the week, the unfunny ‘funny guy’ sends an email around saying that he’s going to go to the office local after work to ‘drink a hundred pints of beer’ (or something equally as wacky) and wants an audience. So you fob him off with another excuse. My last one was that I had just received an emergency text and had to head home immediately. It was half true; my housemate had just been promoted and was back in the living room with two bottles of gin.

That was a lot of fun. Or at least it was until the alarm went off the following morning.