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You know who are idiots? Those idiots that post comments on YouTube. What a bunch of idiots.

Every single video on the site comes equipped with nauseatingly moronic commentary, courtesy of the world’s spotty little twat-faced populace. The infuriatingly-opinionated imbeciles that reel off these generic comments, presumably in between broadband-speed internet porn binges, continuously feel the need to validate their own existences by informing us that the new Fleet Foxes video is ‘so post modern’, or that they love the bit when Stewie shoots Brian in the kneecaps. ‘“Where’s my money, man!” Ha ha ha!’

So they lol and ;-) their way through a couple of lines, hit the ‘Post Comment’ button, and immediately feel as if they’ve made an impact on the world. What a bunch of idiots.

I’ve been aware of this issue for numerous years now but, like most things in this world, I simply put it down to the majority of people in it being thick. However the other evening, whilst re-watching an episode of one of the funniest shows ever to have graced the BBC, Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe, I came across this comment posted 3 weeks ago:

‘screenwipe is for those more "intelligent people" who see tv as wat it is and love listening to charlie vent their frustrations for them :) like me’

This thoughtful assertion was made by a person calling themselves 'oasisaquiesce'. Sign one.

Sign two; regardless, of whether this statement is accurate, and technically the bit about 'Screenwipe' is, what sort of cunt writes that?! Aside from the fact that he used the incredibly naff way of spelling perpetuated by proles more attached to their mobile phones than they are to reality, he actually felt the need to write that! He sat there on his computer and thought it’d be worth his while to hit the necessary keys in the necessary order to create that ‘sentence’! To tell the world that he, despite almost total evidence to the contrary, is intelligent! W@ a 2L! I h8 ppl lk dat!

Incidentally, whilst researching for this blog, I came across this website:

http://www.lingo2word.com/translatetxt.php?searcher1=word&tosearch1=Create+Cool+Messages+,+Just+Type+Your+Message+in+the+left+box

This is essentially a utility for those who are wondering how best to convey information to people who have the language skills of a 90 year-old Asperger sufferer (i.e. those that talk ‘street’). Simply type in what you would like to say to said retard and click da button and you are rewarded with the best way to put it to them in a text. So, 'Hello there. How are you?' becomes ‘Hi der. Sup?’, and ‘What do you think about the economic problems facing the West today?’ becomes ‘Wadya tnk bout d econmc probs facing d west 2day?’ Admittedly if you do communicate in this daft style, you can fit more into a text, but you do run the substantial risk of blowing it completely with a girl when you ask her whether she would ‘fanC a \_/ aftr wrk?’

But back to these gobshites on YouTube. Do they really think that people care about their bland opinions?

[Note: I should just state at this juncture that I am perfectly aware of the irony of someone who is venting his frustrations on the internet moaning about people that are ostensibly doing the very same thing. However, there’s a couple of differences; 1) I don’t care what people think about my opinions, and 2) I’m not writing about how hilarious a collage of Bush quotes that someone’s looped over the top of American Idiot is. Plus, technically I’m getting paid for my opinions, as I write this blog at work. I have far more important stuff to do in my spare time. Like go on YouTube.]

As already alluded to, the majority of these pointless comments are posted by square-eyed no-hopers with the consequential significance of a jam sandwich. They watch the video of some guy getting hit in the nuts. They laugh. And then they feel the need to relay their pleasure onto the next viewer. The simple reason they do this is because they feel like they matter.

Most reasonably discerning individuals are aware that we exist as a completely irrelevant collection of matter in an ever-expanding universe, which itself logically means that we are getting more irrelevant every second (a fact ironically proven by the comments posted on YouTube). But no, not these chuckleheads. They want you to know that they ‘saw this in hd. wow awesome quality!!!!!!!!!!’

This obsession with informing others about what we are thinking and doing has recently reached an absurd zenith with the sudden rise in popularity of the twitter website. Essentially a social networking site, twitter seems to cater to people who feel the status function on facebook is not nearly self-indulgent enough. Now with a simple click of a button, you can inform friends, family and anyone who happens to have an account, exactly what you’re doing as you do it. Oh yeah, it’s not like Facebook where you have to confirm fellow users’ access to your profile; any random sociopath can hunt you down and ‘follow' you (surely an uncomfortable term). One of my ‘followers’ for example is some nut job calling him or herself 'AngelaKarnes' from Nashville TN. Let’s face it, it’s a him.

Aside from the usual gobbledygook (a natural consequence of giving simpletons access to a keyboard), there are status updates that list literally the most mundane activities in day-to-day life. For instance, 'austinhg' felt it appropriate to let people know that he was ‘in the doctors office, finally getting my chest examined’. Really? Not the head? 'BigLizzie' was ‘waiting for her pie to cool’. Good to hear you’re throwing caution to the wind there, Liz. And someone calling themselves ‘Stechski’ at half past midnight on 18th February said that he was ‘Chillin at home’.

Now, this is such a boring thing to state that there is only one explanation for it; this man killed a person that evening and thought he’d utilise the wonders of the world wide web to provide himself with an alibi.

‘Me’lad, the records on twitter clearly state that my client was at his place of residence at the time of the murder. Therefore I move for mistrial.’

‘Agreed. Case dismissed.’

Stechski just beat the rap. 12.58pm on the web.

Etc.

And why do people feel the need to continuously detail every aspect of their lives? If you said ‘insecurity of the highest order’, then you’d be right. Well done.

Yes, I’m afraid even if you’re Stephen Fry or Jonathan Ross, you still crave attention on a minute-by-minute basis. Or should that be especially if you’re Stephen Fry or Jonathan Ross. Whether this attention is real (as with said celebrities) or imaginary (as with everybody else), it is this necessity to validate our own worth that causes people to involve themselves in this world of constant updates and meaningless prattle.

Or at least that’s how I see it. Is it a bad thing? Probably not. Does it annoy me? Yeah, why not.

Occasionally, when attempting to refresh the ‘Everyone’ streaming function on twitter, one is confronted by a blank page sporting a single message:

Twitter is over capacity.
Too many tweets!

Well, they nearly got it right.