what's it all about?

This, the tagline to the 1966 cult movie (as well as the 2004 cock-up remake) Alfie, begged the audience at its conclusion to consider the overarching themes behind the meaning of existence. What is it we're doing here?

This week, a different Alfie has prompted members of the British public to examine some of the deeper ethical aspects of the world. Namely, what the hell is it all coming to when a child becomes a father at the age of 13?!

The redtops published the story of young Alfie Patten, the UK’s latest evidence for the accuracy of Revelations, last Friday, stating that the ‘baby-faced boy’ became the father of ‘7lb 3oz Masie Roxanne’ after he and his 15 year old girlfriend, Chantelle, ‘decided against an abortion after discovering she was pregnant’. Whilst my initial reaction to reading this story was to empty the contents of my stomach all over St. James’ Park tube, I was slightly relieved to hear that they had at least thought about the decision first. ‘Decided against an abortion’! This boy, who’s barely old enough to sit in the front passenger seat, sat down with his orang-utan girlfriend and discussed the pros and cons of embryo termination, did he? I’d find that easier to believe if I thought that either of these two could spell ‘abortion’.

Naturally, this raised the standard irate disgust and calls for decency that are usually perpetuated by such stories, with the ever publicly-savvy David Cameron latching on to the indignation, claiming that it raised ‘worrying’ questions about modern society. How perceptive.

The story was allowed to fester over the weekend, only to have it explode back all over the press this morning, when it was revealed that several other ‘young men’ have claimed paternity of the baby. In fact, according to the Daily Mail, there is said to be six other contenders for the crown of Britain’s Biggest Fuck-up. One of them, the 16 year old trainee-chef Richard Goodsell, who looks like a cross between rugby ball and a bulldog’s arse, has said that everyone thinks that he is the father, even his mother, who, incidentally, provided the bulldog facets to her son’s unique aesthetic.

The other front runner for Daddy Drool is 14 year old Tyler Barker, who is said to be ‘really worried’ that he might be the father. I’m not surprised. Apart from the fact that he would be forced to raise a child that, thanks to her morally devoid relatives and the tabloid press, has absolutely no chance of being normal, he would also have to spend more time with the baby’s mother. Judging by the less than flattering photographs that have accompanied the plethora of articles in recent days, that single night of passion with Chantelle the Wonder-Slut would have been enough for any man, whether he shaves or not.

Meanwhile, what does this mean for our young hero, Alfie? The Telegraph reported that the schoolboy was ‘distraught’ by the possibility that the baby was not his. Interesting thought when you consider young Tyler’s response to the situation. Presumably Alfie is enjoying those rather tasty tabloid cheques that have been arriving in the post since last week. Ten grand before you’ve even opened the Frosties in the morning is not bad going. Besides, he needn’t worry; Chantelle herself denies all possibility that her baby does not carry the much-coveted Patten genes, stating that they ‘decided to start a physical relationship because [they] love each other’ and that ‘there has been no one else’. Given the already-discussed appearance of said maiden, one might be forgiven for believing her. However, taking into account her ability to hide her lapsed virginity from her parents for so long, it is entirely possible that she is, again, bending the truth slightly.

So, again, I return to the question: what’s it all about? Does this story demonstrate the rapid decline of British society? Well, undoubtedly. But it’s something far worse that troubles me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m certainly not implying as one Sun columnist claimed that these actions ‘will break the existing cracks in society so wide open that there’ll be no hope of repair’. I remain optimistic that the majority of British people are rational creatures that have at least some aspect of decency to them. Indeed, the British tabloids push a story like this so virulently because of its rarity and ability to shock. What I am concerned about is the fact that we as an audience crave such stories to such an extent that the characters of these unfortunate events are rewarded with more money than those that live a quote-unquote normal life. One might argue that these people are being compensated for their emotional distress; a sort of mental breakdown rebate. But what does it say about our society when these two minors will be rewarded with, according to one publicist, ‘hundreds of thousands’ for copping off when they should have been doing their homework? What sort of message is that for Britain’s increasingly dim witted school children? And we, the ‘adults’, are to blame. We are the ones that buy the newspapers so that we might be entertained with tales of people with lives more hopeless than our own. Have our lives become so mundane, our finances so dire, our situation so depressing, that we find solace in ruined youth and the generally messed-up? Surely that is what soap operas are for.

Personally, I remain optimistic that this story is a soap opera. These news articles are all part of an elaborate hoax; a cleverly orchestrated piece of marketing, designed to promote a new show. Tyler? Chantelle? Masie Roxanne? These are not people from the real world, surely. Yes, we can all have a good laugh when Channel 4 airs the first episode of Kiddy Fiddlers next week. Though maybe not.

So, what is it we're doing here? What’s it all about?