N: You know Hitler, right?
T: Not personally, but…
N: What?
T: Doesn’t matter. Yeah. Hitler.
N: Well, apparently he’s not dead.
T: …
N: Yeah, I was watching this thing on the Discovery Channel, and they found a body, right, but they’re not sure that it’s his, because it was all burnt and that.
T: Sure. It could’ve been the keyboard player from ‘Sparks’.
N: Sparks?
T: Yeah.
N: …
T: They were a band in the eighties, and the keyboard player had a funny little Hitler-moustache.
N: …
T: It was a joke.
N: But was he even alive back then?
T: Almost certainly not.
N: Well then how could it be him?
T: Sure. It was a joke based in absurdity. Apologies. So, you were saying that Hitler is still alive…
N: What star sign are you?
T: Leo.
N: Oh, that makes sense. You’re quite temperamental.
T: Do you really believe in all that nonsense?
N: Yeah.
T: …
N: It’s true! I have a friend who’s a Leo, and one day she’ll be happy and the next day she’s all sad and depressed.
T: Well maybe she’s bipolar.
N: Which one’s that?
T: What?
N: Is that the scales?
[This time, with N’s friend J]:
N: Do you play anything?
T: You two saps.
J: What?
T: The ‘Utusaps’. They're like Amazonian panpipes. I picked some up when I was in South America.
N: Oh really?
T: Yeah, I play them every opportunity I get.
N: What do they sound like?
T: What do you two saps sound like?
N: Yeah.
T: You two saps sound like a couple of drowned cats.
J: Really!?
T: Yeah. Quite embarrassing really. But they're really easy to play.
N: Oh.
T: Do you two play anything?
N+J: No.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
thought for tomorrow
Yesterday I had two thoughts.
I didn’t. I had more than two thoughts. Obviously. I had loads of thoughts. At least twelve.
But I had two thoughts that could easily be drawn together and utilised in an introduction to a blog. And it’s these two that I’d like to dwell on.
My first thought was: ‘I need to write a new blog’.
It’s approaching two months since I last came into work, opened up Word, minimised the window, moved it down to the very bottom-right corner of the screen, changed the font size to 8, looked over both shoulders to check that no one was watching, and then totally undermined all my attempts at surreptition by tapping away at the keyboard like a jacked-up coke fiend with hammers for hands. And ADHD.
‘Right’ I thought. ‘I’m going to write something topical’ I thought.
However, after spending the last two days scanning through the various information websites, I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing of any particular substance in the news at the moment. Absolutely sod all worth commenting on to any considerable degree. Allow me to demonstrate:
MP’s expenses: They’ve been doing it for years. Now they’ve been caught. A few of them will lose their jobs. They’ll stop doing it for a while. The public will forget. They’ll start doing it again. Nothing changes.
Sri Lankan ceasefire: The Sri Lankan government kicked the shit out of the Tamils. The government declared a ceasefire. The Tamil’s didn’t. The Tamils will form numerous splinter groups and continue to promote violence until the marginalisation of their people has ended. Nothing changes.
Swine Flu: 14 new cases in the UK. A total of 8,400 worldwide. With 72 deaths. A truly terrifying 0.008% fatality rate. The World Health Organisation will continue to over-play any threat of a pandemic, no matter how minor, in order to justify their expenses. And utter tools will continue to wear face masks on the tube. Nothing changes.
‘So’ I thought. ‘No help from the news’ I thought.
Then I had loads of thoughts (told you so!): ‘What do I think is a sufficiently valid topic?’ ‘What do I feel passionate enough to write about?’ Essentially, ‘what gets on my nerves to such an extent that I would feel compelled to do my Hammer Hands impression?’
And this led to my second thought: ‘the BNP should just be given their own island somewhere’.
Let me explain.
Last night, I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth and thinking about Nazis.
‘They really are absolute shits!’ I thought as I gave my molars a good scrubbing. Directing the toothbrush towards my lateral incisor, I shook my head as I thought ‘judging people by their race is completely insane!’ I rinsed my mouth out. ‘Tomorrow’ I thought. ‘I’ll write a blog about how the BNP should just be given their own island somewhere’ I thought.
So I came into work today, all ready and eager to write my blog. And what happens?
Charlie Brooker steals my idea!
Don't believe me? Here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/may/18/charlie-brooker-bnp-racism
Un-fucking-believeable!
Why couldn't he write about MP's expenses!? The Sri Lankan ceasefire is surely a more worthy topic! Or Swine Flu!? There's loads of material in that!
Still, it's true what they say about 'Great Minds'...they don't vote BNP.
I didn’t. I had more than two thoughts. Obviously. I had loads of thoughts. At least twelve.
But I had two thoughts that could easily be drawn together and utilised in an introduction to a blog. And it’s these two that I’d like to dwell on.
My first thought was: ‘I need to write a new blog’.
It’s approaching two months since I last came into work, opened up Word, minimised the window, moved it down to the very bottom-right corner of the screen, changed the font size to 8, looked over both shoulders to check that no one was watching, and then totally undermined all my attempts at surreptition by tapping away at the keyboard like a jacked-up coke fiend with hammers for hands. And ADHD.
‘Right’ I thought. ‘I’m going to write something topical’ I thought.
However, after spending the last two days scanning through the various information websites, I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing of any particular substance in the news at the moment. Absolutely sod all worth commenting on to any considerable degree. Allow me to demonstrate:
MP’s expenses: They’ve been doing it for years. Now they’ve been caught. A few of them will lose their jobs. They’ll stop doing it for a while. The public will forget. They’ll start doing it again. Nothing changes.
Sri Lankan ceasefire: The Sri Lankan government kicked the shit out of the Tamils. The government declared a ceasefire. The Tamil’s didn’t. The Tamils will form numerous splinter groups and continue to promote violence until the marginalisation of their people has ended. Nothing changes.
Swine Flu: 14 new cases in the UK. A total of 8,400 worldwide. With 72 deaths. A truly terrifying 0.008% fatality rate. The World Health Organisation will continue to over-play any threat of a pandemic, no matter how minor, in order to justify their expenses. And utter tools will continue to wear face masks on the tube. Nothing changes.
‘So’ I thought. ‘No help from the news’ I thought.
Then I had loads of thoughts (told you so!): ‘What do I think is a sufficiently valid topic?’ ‘What do I feel passionate enough to write about?’ Essentially, ‘what gets on my nerves to such an extent that I would feel compelled to do my Hammer Hands impression?’
And this led to my second thought: ‘the BNP should just be given their own island somewhere’.
Let me explain.
Last night, I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth and thinking about Nazis.
‘They really are absolute shits!’ I thought as I gave my molars a good scrubbing. Directing the toothbrush towards my lateral incisor, I shook my head as I thought ‘judging people by their race is completely insane!’ I rinsed my mouth out. ‘Tomorrow’ I thought. ‘I’ll write a blog about how the BNP should just be given their own island somewhere’ I thought.
So I came into work today, all ready and eager to write my blog. And what happens?
Charlie Brooker steals my idea!
Don't believe me? Here:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/may/18/charlie-brooker-bnp-racism
Un-fucking-believeable!
Why couldn't he write about MP's expenses!? The Sri Lankan ceasefire is surely a more worthy topic! Or Swine Flu!? There's loads of material in that!
Still, it's true what they say about 'Great Minds'...they don't vote BNP.
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